The Blandskanky Letters
by The Geeky Quill
Summary: Based on Lewis's "The Screwtape Letters." Satirical story written as a series of letters from a chief devil to a lower devil about tempting a human to sin. The original was an uncle to a nephew. Mine is an aunt to a niece.
1. Chapter 1

The Blandskanky Letters

A satirical story inspired by C.S. Lewis's The Screwtape Letters

by

The Geeky Quill

Letter 1

My dear Smelltrumpy,

You mentioned in your last letter that your patient got intoxicated at a party and you think that's a great stroke of genius, but you are rejoicing in a small thing. Did you take that opportunity to tempt her to fornicate or engage in lewd behavior of any sort? Even malicious gossip would be better than nothing! You know very well that nothing loosens these creatures' tongues better than alcohol.

As a tempter, you should have remembered what you were taught in basic training, that these creatures are most vulnerable to sin when intoxicated by alcohol and drugs. That is why Our Enemy implores them to remain sober and Our Father Below encourages drinking to excess. In itself, drunkenness does nothing for our cause. The desire for intoxication is merely our way of exaggerating the appetite for an innocent pleasure. If your patient getting drunk is the best you can devise now that she's out of her parents' house, perhaps you need to go back to basic training.

Next time, my dear Smelltrumpy, turn her mind to her baser urges for carnal pleasure and whatever you do, don't allow her to dwell on guilt and remorse. But, if her feelings stray to that area, make her immediately resent her parents for their attempts to indoctrinate her into their narrow non-tolerant beliefs.

Your affectionate aunt,

Blandskanky


	2. Chapter 2

Letter 2

My Dear Smelltrumpy,

Your last letter was encouraging. The admiration your patient has for her women's studies professor is most fortunate. I happen to know this teacher's tempter, Bitterfly. She tells me that her patient is a male hater of the first degree. Her father was an abuser. He's made a fine feast for us down here; the crunch, the savory taste of anger and cruelty. The professor's mother is a regular doormat who wouldn't bother to find the gumption to protect her own daughter. Oh, the lovely subtle sin of inaction makes evil almost too easy for us. She's living now with another abuser, a live-in boyfriend, just for the sake of having a male around. She's stewing herself in self-pitying misery which will make her a wonderful dessert. Yum! Those tender morsels with pointless self-imposed victim-hood are such a sweet amusement to Our Father Below. We look forward to her arrival. But I digress.

As a result of the professor's childhood and the assistance of Bitterfly, she sees all men as cruel and thinks, because of what she's witnessed by her parents' example, that one has only two options in romantic relationships. One is either a weakling or a bully. Naturally she tends to chose the later. How delightful, the irony is that she's become much like the father whom she despised!

This professor is both eloquent and confident, both qualities you say your patient values. Good. This is a promising arrangement and your patient's admiration for her should be encouraged. The young tend to take on the tastes and outlooks of those they idolize. If your patient takes on the male hating attitude of her professor, it will be to our advantage. Role models, such as this professor, have led many a young female down the road toward Hell with their caustic bitter bile.

We look forward to a veritable banquet of these new feminists. I talk, of course, of the feminism that we so sweetly twisted so that it barely resembles the original, which was rooted in Our Enemy's law of love, that all of these detestable creatures have value without regard to gender or race. The new feminism of _our_ creation is rooted in hatred; hatred for males, at times, ironically, hatred for anything feminine, hatred for motherhood to the point of demanding the right to kill their own offspring in the womb. What a glorious age we live in!

It's the hatred for males that most interests me in regard to your patient. Has she not always had a weakness for the stupidly romantic notion of one day becoming a wife and mother? Ugh! The innate desire for that detestable arrangement, that was of the design of Our Enemy, called family, is a sore spot for Our Father Below. However, we've been able to use even this to our advantage, as you shall find out. See that your patient sets her sights on some young male of her species and then see the fun you can have at tempting her to vew him as an enemy, because of the mere fact that he's male, and yet at the same time, desire him romantically. What a lovely game! I envy you being able to witness this on your very first assignment.

Keep me updated. I'm so eager to see how this plays out, provided you do your part well.

Your affectionate aunt,

Blandskanky


End file.
